UK Government in Humiliating Brexit Trade Fiasco!
In an astonishing bungle, British diplomats have been left red faced over UK Government plans to profit from a trade deal which undermines US President Donald Trump’s border wall with Mexico.
Top Secret papers, left in the Milton Keynes branch of B&Q by a Whitehall mandarin, reveal that the British Government has spent millions of pounds of taxpayers money to set up huge secret ladder factories in the north of England. In what was to be Britain’s first post-Brexit trade deal, the ladders were to be sold to Mexico at vast profit margins, enabling desperate refugees to climb over the Trump Wall and make their way to a better life in the United States.
The Government has even gone so far as to give a lucrative multi-million pound shipping contract to a three day old firm of maritime transportation experts. Based in corporate offices above the Happy Halibut Fish Bar and Grill on Eastbourne seafront, Fishy McContract (Marine) Ltd’s website claims it has a large fleet of ship currently undergoing refit in Fareham creek.
The website goes on ” …the refit will allow our fleet of ship, complete with state of the art Collins School Atlas and Sylvanian compass to deliver ladders to any part of the world, even as far as Mexico!”.
When approached by our journalists, a Government spokesman tried to bluster his way out of the fiasco and betrayal of one of our closest allies. The spokesman claimed it was simply a “Back to Work initiative to promote Britain’s world leading ladder industry and provide much needed zero hours contracts to the poor and needy.” His story fell apart when he was presented with photographs of the UK Government’s International Ladder Trade Delegation arriving back at Heathrow Airport:
In the face of overwhelming evidence the spokesman finally admitted “OK, yes, it’s true! But you cannot imagine the pressure we are put under to get a deal, any deal. It’s worse than being on Universal Credit (but pays better obviously).
The Government issued a hastily prepared statement which said “Oh Bugger”. This was followed some hours later by a more comprehensive response:
These ladders, which are an example of British engineering at it’s finest, are all destined to be sold in newly constructed ‘Ladder Shops’ adjacent to Job Centres throughout Britain in our latest ‘Help the Builder’ initiative.
In order to comply with WTO standards and avoid import VAT liabilities, they (the ladders) must be exported to a nation with ‘Third Party (non-exempt)’ duty status, unless otherwise used for business or other purposes in compliance with HMRC guidance and Government legislation or the waxing moon falls on a Tuesday. WTO import duties due from the originating export import sending country are liable at the point of origin (the point of origin) at a rate of 11.5% unless otherwise indicated or used for transporting mixed cargoes of dormice (male) and eggshell blue paint (non-gloss) and destined for end use in the agricultural or aerospace industries when accompanied by an adult wearing blue overalls and waving form WTO-RGB-BBC-116345 in a green cover.
All this is thanks to much simpler trade regulations once we throw off the shackles of EU red tape! So it’s now obvious that shipping from a plant in say Hull, to a Job Centre in Southampton is most cost effectively achieved by going via Mexico. We hope that clears up any misunderstanding you or our American friends have.
Angry US Trump Wall Response
The Americans were obviously furious about what they feel was a complete stab in the back. President Trump expressed his outrage in a Tweet: “I’m
ferrous, frorioos, fructose, Bigly Mad Angry! It’s a complete stab in the back!”, before adding: “Crock of Shit Lying Limey Bastards!”, and then: “No way some Brit ladder’s going over Trump wall. Have just ordered extra bricks. Bigly biggest wall ever!”
We have since learned that in order to avoid a threatened trade embargo by the US, the British Government has agreed to limit the height of any ladders exported to Mexico to a maximum height of two rungs, thus rendering them useless for Trump wall climbing purposes. In exchange the Trump administration has offered precisely nothing, but it has been wrapped up in polite diplomatic speak.
The Government’s newly appointed Minister for Latin American DIY Exports was last seen getting into a taxi in Whitehall, clutching a copy of ‘Trampolining For Dummies’.
Kohomedia News Team